I'm not even an active member and I found out about this topic completly randomly, but there must be a good reason.
Hopefully my story will help at least one person.
Ever since I was 4/5 years old I felt different. At that age every boy I knew had or wanted to have a "girlfriend" and I didn't. At that age you can't tell because it's just a game though. So I couldn't quite grasp why I felt so much out of the lines.
But as the years passed, this feeling kept growing stronger and stronger and it showed, which made me be extremely unpopular. I didn't have the same mindset as most kids. Still had no explanation so I blamed my parents' break up for this.
It got clear by the time I was about 12/13. At that age your hormones take over your mind and you start getting interested in sexual things, you discover your whole new self physically and mentally. And of course having a girlfriend was not a game anymore, boys were only talking about that. It made me feel so uncomfortable, I kept thinking "What's wrong with me?". And then came that moment when I realized how hot I thought one of my male friends was. Growing up in a muslim environment, it was all the more disturbing to feel this way about a boy: I had never had the opportunity to meet gay people and didn't even know what word to put onto my feelings. All I knew was that it was scary and I didn't want my family to know, they would have probably killed me, or at least that's what I thought. I denied it for quite a long time after this, even though my attraction for men was growing stronger. By the time I was about to turn 17, it was such a huge problem for me that I began crying spontaneously very often and with no apparent reason. I thought I was never going to be happy with someone I really love, there seemed to be couples everywhere to remind me about it. The pressure was unbearable.
Everything changed when I first told a friend of mine: I knew she would think it's "cool" and she didn't really find the words but I felt so relieved, at least there was one person I didn't have to lie to all the time. I got addicted to this new freedom and decided to tell more and more of my friend, yet this feeling of being about to explode was not leaving. Talking about it is good but as long as I had not told my family I couldn't risk having a boyfriend, I thought they would probably kick me out of the house had they learned about this. I was terrified, especially when my cousins were making homophobic jokes and were asking me constantly if I had a girlfriend or what I thought about that hot chick...
I waited until I was almost 19 to start dating boys secretly, thinking I would be careful enough and that no one would know. I had 3 pathetic relationships and a fourth which really broke my heart as the guy was just playing around with my feelings. And all this secrecy was not helping my dating life either, no one wants to be with somebody whose family will eventually get in the way... I was convinced I was never going to be able to tell my family and that happiness was just for other people. I was messing up with my studies, I had eating and sleeping disorders, and I was progressively falling into depression. I thought I was worthless and that misery was just my burden, that I could not help it.
One day my mother and I were arguing about my studies, I didn't go to class and she was worried. And she got so mad that she just told me she knew about it from the very beginning, when I was 4/5 years old...
I couldn't believe she didn't hate me or tell me I should go burn in hell like other people did. Her acceptance was the only thing I really needed and now I feel so much better about it. I'm 21, my studies are going quite well for now, and my eating and sleeping disorders are slowly but surely disappearing. I'm not saying everything's right, I'm still very single but at least if one day I happen to fall in love with a man I'll know I'm allowed to feel this way.
The point of telling this story is not to draw attention on myself but hopefully to make people that relate to it feel better. For such a long time I thought that I was the only one in my circle to be gay and muslim but now I know some of my friends were and couldn't tell as well. I actually got lucky because even though only very few people in my family are aware of this, they were all so accepting, unlike everything I expected. But I know some people are not so open-minded, and if that's the case in your circle just don't listen to what they say about it. And that applies to any belief in your family that alienates you, not just like in my case, Islam. I strongly believe that you should stay strong and remain positive, it'll be hard sometimes, so very hard not to feel crushed by that thing you just can't control, but it's okay and things will get better, just be patient.
Remember that you were put on this Earth to live your life no matter what other people think, no one can judge you even if they think they hold the holy truth by doing so. You must put yourself first, don't drive yourself sick because of this like I did. Surround yourself with people that are accepting of who you are and that'll keep your head up even in your worst times.
And most importantly, yes you have the right to accept your sexuality and be proud of who you are. It doesn't make you a criminal, it doesn't harm anyone, that's just love.
Hopefully my story will help at least one person.
Ever since I was 4/5 years old I felt different. At that age every boy I knew had or wanted to have a "girlfriend" and I didn't. At that age you can't tell because it's just a game though. So I couldn't quite grasp why I felt so much out of the lines.
But as the years passed, this feeling kept growing stronger and stronger and it showed, which made me be extremely unpopular. I didn't have the same mindset as most kids. Still had no explanation so I blamed my parents' break up for this.
It got clear by the time I was about 12/13. At that age your hormones take over your mind and you start getting interested in sexual things, you discover your whole new self physically and mentally. And of course having a girlfriend was not a game anymore, boys were only talking about that. It made me feel so uncomfortable, I kept thinking "What's wrong with me?". And then came that moment when I realized how hot I thought one of my male friends was. Growing up in a muslim environment, it was all the more disturbing to feel this way about a boy: I had never had the opportunity to meet gay people and didn't even know what word to put onto my feelings. All I knew was that it was scary and I didn't want my family to know, they would have probably killed me, or at least that's what I thought. I denied it for quite a long time after this, even though my attraction for men was growing stronger. By the time I was about to turn 17, it was such a huge problem for me that I began crying spontaneously very often and with no apparent reason. I thought I was never going to be happy with someone I really love, there seemed to be couples everywhere to remind me about it. The pressure was unbearable.
Everything changed when I first told a friend of mine: I knew she would think it's "cool" and she didn't really find the words but I felt so relieved, at least there was one person I didn't have to lie to all the time. I got addicted to this new freedom and decided to tell more and more of my friend, yet this feeling of being about to explode was not leaving. Talking about it is good but as long as I had not told my family I couldn't risk having a boyfriend, I thought they would probably kick me out of the house had they learned about this. I was terrified, especially when my cousins were making homophobic jokes and were asking me constantly if I had a girlfriend or what I thought about that hot chick...
I waited until I was almost 19 to start dating boys secretly, thinking I would be careful enough and that no one would know. I had 3 pathetic relationships and a fourth which really broke my heart as the guy was just playing around with my feelings. And all this secrecy was not helping my dating life either, no one wants to be with somebody whose family will eventually get in the way... I was convinced I was never going to be able to tell my family and that happiness was just for other people. I was messing up with my studies, I had eating and sleeping disorders, and I was progressively falling into depression. I thought I was worthless and that misery was just my burden, that I could not help it.
One day my mother and I were arguing about my studies, I didn't go to class and she was worried. And she got so mad that she just told me she knew about it from the very beginning, when I was 4/5 years old...
I couldn't believe she didn't hate me or tell me I should go burn in hell like other people did. Her acceptance was the only thing I really needed and now I feel so much better about it. I'm 21, my studies are going quite well for now, and my eating and sleeping disorders are slowly but surely disappearing. I'm not saying everything's right, I'm still very single but at least if one day I happen to fall in love with a man I'll know I'm allowed to feel this way.
The point of telling this story is not to draw attention on myself but hopefully to make people that relate to it feel better. For such a long time I thought that I was the only one in my circle to be gay and muslim but now I know some of my friends were and couldn't tell as well. I actually got lucky because even though only very few people in my family are aware of this, they were all so accepting, unlike everything I expected. But I know some people are not so open-minded, and if that's the case in your circle just don't listen to what they say about it. And that applies to any belief in your family that alienates you, not just like in my case, Islam. I strongly believe that you should stay strong and remain positive, it'll be hard sometimes, so very hard not to feel crushed by that thing you just can't control, but it's okay and things will get better, just be patient.
Remember that you were put on this Earth to live your life no matter what other people think, no one can judge you even if they think they hold the holy truth by doing so. You must put yourself first, don't drive yourself sick because of this like I did. Surround yourself with people that are accepting of who you are and that'll keep your head up even in your worst times.
And most importantly, yes you have the right to accept your sexuality and be proud of who you are. It doesn't make you a criminal, it doesn't harm anyone, that's just love.