I know some people never expected any of this(or maybe they already suspected it lol), but here I go, this might be one of the first serious posts I ever decide to make, I'm usually just here to play competitive mons, have fun winning tournaments, chatting and meeting lots of wonderful people, so you may not expect this kind of post from someone like me.
Well, despite all the "im gay, i like men"-like memes you guys are used to see me say on the Smogon Discord, I'd like to finally reveal myself, and as a matter of fact, yes, I consider myself gay. The fact that I've been using these kind of jokes quite oftenly is simply because it was my only way to "scream" what I really feel like I am even if it was taken as a joke and noone would believe that, it somehow felt nice, but hiding this is not something I really feel comfortable with, in fact, I feel I need people to know about this side of me. I'm a bit shy so this doesn't come off as easy as you may think, many of you have known me for some years now, and I really can't tell how you're gonna react to all of this. I can say that I'm quite scared as I'm typing this and the closer I get to finish writting the faster goes my heart, but there's something that life's taught me and you have to love yourself as you are, and never deny any of your feelings, even if it is too hard, that's the only way you'll find what makes you happy the most.
This is a bit of a long story, but I'd be glad if you bother reading it: I've always been quite shy at first when I meet people, mostly beacuse I expect them to have a good impression about me, so I use to be quite silent and quiet, but once you get to know me and I've deposited enough trust on you then that's when my true self usually blooms out and people may say that I've changed a lot but that's how I really am, you really can't help it, can you? At first I never had it clear about my sexual preferences, I used to have a girlfriend, who I recently broke up with as I wasn't feeling quite comfortable towards our relationship and I was quite unhesitant to tell her, but finally and for my own sake I did. Point is though, that I've always treated both male and female people the same way. Though, I've never felt anything for any women, like at all, even if I had a girlfriend it was not really that special and as I previously mentioned it wasn't going too well, now, you could say that I'm basing my opinion on just some particular case, but the thing is, that I actually find it more pleasing to spend time with people of my same sex rather than the opposing one, not saying that I hate women or anything, I actually have women friends who are just wonderful as people, and mainly, my own mother, someone who I look up to as a person and the person who supports me the most, so yeah.
I had quite a rough life when I was living in Latinamerica, I moved to Uruguay when I was 10 years old, I had just to farewell my best friends, and could never comunicate with them anymore, which was quite sad for me; but that doesnt compare to what comes next. I met some kids around my neighbourhood, all good, they were welcoming and all that good stuff, but it was just a matter of months when people decided they wanted to be complete assholes with me, never had I been this discriminated and bullied in my life, I'm not the kind of guy that likes picking up fights, I try to be as far away as possible from any violent event, but there were some times where there wasn't any other way out, and man, I really fucking regret all of that. Those events made me want to be isolated in my room, having fun with solely myself and noone else as I didn't feel anyone was good enough to be my friend, and thus I spent many years inside home, with some bare interactions with some of my few friends. All of this made me not develop any feeling towards anyone in particular, I was selfish, only caring about myself as I felt I was one of the few good things that I had left, along with my family sure, but sadly they're not the ones who I specially feel comfortable with talking about this stuff.
After some years of going through some true shit, my parents decided it was time to move back to Spain, I initially tried to prevent them from doing so, I wasn't aware of the shitty lifestyle I was having and I was scared I'd have through the same suffering once again, but nothing I could do and so we came back to our beloved country to restart another life, which I hoped could go my way this time.
We arrived around 1 year ago, on this month actually, I was still going through the same lifestyle I had back in Uruguay, but it was fine since I didn't know anyone in the city so I didn't have any friends whatsoever. Later on, highschool started and boy, this is when things were gonna finally shift. Given my previous behaviours, it resulted a bit difficult at first to try and make friends, hang out with them and all that amusing stuff but I had been encouraged and finally could open myself up a bit to other people. One day we had a school trip to some swamp, I was talking with a classmate along the way, we had spoken quite little but it looked like I already gained his trust, so I was invited to go to the cinema(you cannot imagine how happy I felt at that moment), I felt a bit weird because I wasn't that used to hang out with other people, it doesn't mean I had not, In fact I had but in rarely ocassions and it almost resulted in me wanting to be back home because I wasn't comfortable. So we went to the cinema, saw the film, was good, etc etc. So I left him at home, it felt good honestly, finally having a friend who I can hang out with, for the first time in ages I was feeling like all of that lasted a little bit longer, I didn't want to end my fun right there, but I better did or my parents were gonna kill me! As soon as I arrived home I texted him through Whatsapp, and we had some conversation about the classroom, the movie, some other irrelevant stuff, common things about an average teenagers conversation. Out of the blue, I decided I wanted to tell him what I went through Uruguay, and how I was currently feeling towards myself and the way I was carrying my life, I knew I wasn't fine and there was still a chance for me to change. Right after our convo, he gave me plenty of advice and tried to motivate me, that really made me quite happy because noone ever had treated me like that, besides my parents, who are my primary supporters. We started hanging out more frequently, I was personally enjoying the time I spent with him a lot, until I questioned myself if I was in love with that guy, I had my doubts, I hadn't been in love with someone in a long ass time, so this sensation came off as weird to me, but as the time passed I was more sure of myself, and decided to accept it, I had fallen in love with him and there was no denial. Sadly for me though, he was straight so I wasn't gonna jump in and say that I liked him, even though I wished so, I knew it wasn't the time so I decided to see if I could get lucky enough, just like in Pokémon! and let our relationship develop to the point where I could finally reveal him my true feelings, but that time never came, and I will never know what would have happened if I didn't fuck up anything.
Now, you may be wondering, how'd I fuck it up? Well, let me explain. I wasn't only friends with him, I made some other friends along the way and thus we had some kind of circle. I was a bit tired of containing all of my feelings within me without letting at least anyone know, you could say it'd have been easier if I kept it as a secret, but I didn't feel I was gonna achieve my aim if I at least didn't have some support. So, I told this friend of mine that I liked the guy, though it was a bit difficult to reveal that at first, I was trembling, but I felt it was the best I could do and man, I really do regret having done that, it was such a reckless act. After a month or so, she decided it'd be better if she told him the truth about me, as she felt I was getting too obsessed with him (lol) which wasn't quite true, I only enjoyed spending time with him a lot, I don't feel it's a crime to share your activities with the people you like, but whatever, people like overexagerating things and this little mistake really gave me quite the backfire. I didn't learn he knew I was in love with him until a month later, after I was tired of him being rude out of the sudden and went through some stupid arguements, I didn't know what caused him to become like that(subconciously I did, but I just tried not to believe it) and I suffered a lot from it. I met up with one of my friends and current supporters, and she told me all about this since she knew and recognised I wasn't passing a nice time with all of this unnecessary drama, at that moment I felt so sad, angry, confused, whatever you could imagine, I felt the world fell upon me for a second, everything regarding my relationship with that guy had been just torn apart, and I did nothing but to get mad at that b**ch for what he did, I consider myself easily quite a trust-worthy person, and I always try to help other people as much as possible with their personal problems if they approach me. I felt betrayed, by someone whom I had considered a good friend of mine, I felt I was given some little kicks until they started hurting. I decided to call the guy and try and solve all this mess-up, which I did but it left me with some painful scars that I might last recovering from. After that I never said a word to that girl again, I still had a crush on the guy, but it didn't feel the same anymore, it was weird in fact, but nothing I could do to come back and try to fix everything so I just moved on. Everything was kept cool, or that's what I felt for a month or so when he started being an asshole again for no reason every time I approached him, so I decided to kind of cut out my interactions with him and decided that if he wanted to talk with me, then he should do so. We still talk and stuff sometimes, we're only friends I guess.
After all those events, I confirmed myself what are my sexual preferences, even if I had to go through some stupid and not needed drama, I've been able to open myself up and little by little been losing my shyness towards this. I mean, it's not that easy to make such reveal, but at last you learn that people actually accept you as you are, furthermore, they support you and encourage you to move on and live the life you want, as long as you're able to find happiness, what's the problem? I have a few friends irl whom I've told all about this, even my own mother, and all of them have been supportive, which at first I took as a surprise, as I thought they were gonna react shocked but turns out they did not and, hell, you don't know how relieved and happy I felt about it.
Bad thing though, is that I'm aware some people are quite against homosexuality, and even though I know I should not care about anyone's opinion, one of them includes my father: quite the homophobic, he really doesn't know any of this but the way he reacts and talks towards homosexuality is quite repulsive and I really don't know how's he gonna react, and I don't want to know either. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to move on even if it ends up he's against it, but I don't want to end in any family drama of some sort, so my biggest hope is that when I have to tell him, he accepts it.
Now currently I'm having a good life, I have really good friends both here and in real life, and I couldn't be happier about having met all of you guys, you're people who I will always carry within for the rest of my life.
Thanks
dice for all of our nice conversations, they really encouraged me, I was probably a bit embarassed about posting this but I must not be, this is probably gonna be my best decision.
That's Posho for you.