Company wide emails from fictional companies

[Celticpride]

Hello Stormtroopers,

Our accuracy when hitting Rebels during skirmishes is, in a word, lacking. On the Death Star, our troopers couldn’t hit two rebel operatives and a Wookie, and as a result Princess Leia escaped! And we know it’s not the blasters, because many of our troopers were gunned down by their generic, everyday blasters.

Starting Monday, every Stormtrooper will be required to attend target practice for at least three hours a week. Anyone with less than three hours will be receiving a citation. To help incentivize you, a 100 credit coupon to the Empire cafeteria will be given to the top 10% of scorers for a week.

Regards,

Grand Moff Tarkin

 

[Celticpride]

Attention Team Aqua,

Please stop writing “semen” on the walls in the bathrooms. We understand the joke, very clever, we all love the ocean. However, we work hard to keep this facility clean and would like everyone to be respectful of that. Additionally, please pick up after yourselves, the janitorial staff has found a Dark Pulse TM and a Max Revive just lying on the floor yesterday.

Best,

Aqua Admin Matt

 

[Oglemi]

To all Kaiba Corp staff,

We understand many of you have been on the receiving end of CEO Seto Kaiba's insults and mockery regarding your dueling skills and have heard your concerns of this creating a hostile work environment. While inflammatory in nature please understand that these are his attempts to get you to better yourselves and we are working with him closely to ensure future interactions are more positive. We appreciate your patience and encourage all staff to become more than third rate duelists using fourth rate decks.

Sincerely,

KC HR

 

[BP]

Capsule Corp staff,

Due to numerous complaints, it is time we address the issue at hand. Please disregard the noises that sound like yelling coming from the gravity chamber. The machine is being analyzed and the diagnostics are causing this horrendous noise. I, Bulma Briefs, can assure you there is nothing to be worried about. The safety and wellbeing of the staff here at Capsule Corp is the number one priority and I assure you if you or someone else were in danger I would call for an evacuation of the building.

Sincerely,

Bulma Briefs
CEO of Capsule Corporation

 

[Diophantine]

Dear employees,

I hope that you are all well during this dire time. Unfortunately, due to the current economic crisis and the persistent war waged upon us by our competitors, the human resources team will be reconsidering all employee contracts. Performance reviews will be held over the next month and will determine possible extended employment and future pay. It is with deep regret that some of us may part. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

Sincerely,

Eugine H. Krabs