I can definitely relate a lot to your message, I was in the same situation a decade ago.I never considered to type my own fair share in this thread, but times are really tough recently,
i have depressions since a long time already and today it hit me even twice with having also weather induced problems + the fact that i always had issues with my self esteem / confidence also goes a long way. the main part of it is that i got heavily bullied in the past and that i do not feel appreciated by others since the bullying happened. and i feel sometimes i just fail alot at anything i do, be it in the past, currently, or in the future. the feel of being a failure always hit me hard in the face. i have psychotherapy but even with it it's still a tough task for me what to do.
i just hope things are going better not only for myself but also for other people here. but i feel its still a long way for me to get better, since pandemic doesnt make things easier.
usually i am the one to cheer up people and motivate them, despite what i am going through myself, but right now it is anything but easy to maintain a somewhat 'positive' mindset at all.
everyone here: reach out for help, if you need to, and stay safe!
and thanks for reading that
Nobody here, not you or anyone else takes up our time, don't feel like that! Everyone here should take the chance to reach out! :)sorry for taking your time,
It is not selfish to think that way, you want to see your dad making your footsteps into the world basically. You want him to see you graduate, you do your best, you achieve things and he will be happy for you and proud of you, which - in all honesty - isn't a slefish thought at all. You want to see the world with him, going out to holiday trips, you, him and the rest of your family, and this thought is anything but selfish. I'd think that thought is actually pretty normal, nobody wants that something like this happens to a family member or a friend at all!is it selfish i want him to live for me and my family? i want him to live to see me grow up.
You are not a failure at all. Your dad is proud of you, and not only him, your entire family and friends are. Why should you be a failure? You do your best to support him and the rest of your family, that is anything but a failure. Sure I understand your mindset and your thought, but don't blame all of that on you. You never did anything wrong at all! You are definitely and for sure not a failure at all.i feel like i've been such a failure if he dies and i've ended up like this.
You do not have to thank us for reading through your struggles, we are all here to support each other! Stay strong! And I hope everything goes well for you, your dad, and your family! Have our positive thoughts!thank you for reading, friends,
I completely, and fully understand the place that you're coming from. My mom went through something similar, experiencing peripheral T-cell lymphoma, and that majorly dominated a lot of my sophomore year, and dictated a lot of my own life. This resonates a lot with me personally, so I want to provide what support I can give you to help you cope and push through this incredibly hard process.hey. got some news today and i need to get it out
my dad went to the doctor, and normally this is kinda common since he has a pacemaker for his heart. he gets device checkups all the time, but he needed to get checked all the way this time i guess. they found a huge growth on his kidney, and said its most likely to be cancer. i don't know much about this stuff, i for sure don't know much about cancer, but i'm fucking terrified. i don't mean to be a downer at all, most of the time i try my best to make others happy, but right now i just can't take anything. my dad's too young to die, he hasn't seen enough. i feel hysterical typing this. my dad cannot die, i love him too much. is that selfish? he isn't suffering, he didn't even know it was there... is it selfish i want him to live for me and my family? i want him to live to see me grow up. earlier after getting the news, i layed down in my bed and cried so hard i got a headache. i haven't done anything like that in a long time, but i woke up and saw myself clenching my hands together to pray. hell, i don't know if i even believe in some higher power, but whatever is out there i need them to help me. i feel like i've been such a failure if he dies and i've ended up like this. i don't want to be alive if i lose my dad, he is one of my best friends... but i'm sure i'm overreacting for a possibility, i've never handled death so personally. thank you for reading, friends, i hope your day goes amazing
Hi lei, I do sincerely hope all goes well and things turn out okay! Many times when we face uncertainty in our lives and roadblocks we must overcome, which family and friends can help with. Just know that this community that you are a part of is here! Please do not ever think low of your self! You are truly an amazing individual. That I am 100% sure of!hey. got some news today and i need to get it out
my dad went to the doctor, and normally this is kinda common since he has a pacemaker for his heart. he gets device checkups all the time, but he needed to get checked all the way this time i guess. they found a huge growth on his kidney, and said its most likely to be cancer. i don't know much about this stuff, i for sure don't know much about cancer, but i'm fucking terrified. i don't mean to be a downer at all, most of the time i try my best to make others happy, but right now i just can't take anything. my dad's too young to die, he hasn't seen enough. i feel hysterical typing this. my dad cannot die, i love him too much. is that selfish? he isn't suffering, he didn't even know it was there... is it selfish i want him to live for me and my family? i want him to live to see me grow up. earlier after getting the news, i layed down in my bed and cried so hard i got a headache. i haven't done anything like that in a long time, but i woke up and saw myself clenching my hands together to pray. hell, i don't know if i even believe in some higher power, but whatever is out there i need them to help me. i feel like i've been such a failure if he dies and i've ended up like this. i don't want to be alive if i lose my dad, he is one of my best friends... but i'm sure i'm overreacting for a possibility, i've never handled death so personally. thank you for reading, friends, i hope your day goes amazing
Statistically speaking your dad will survive (and probably make a full recovery), assuming this is kidney cancer. Since it seems your dad had no symptoms, it's likely this might have been caught in an early stage source which is incredibly favorable because catching kidney cancer (and just any cancer) in an early stage is absolutely key to beating it since it usually becomes an issue to get a handle on once it has spread around the body because it wasn't caught earlier. Kidney cancer is a really common form of cancer and a metric fuckton of research has been put into it. Just because he *might* have cancer doesn't mean he's going to die. I don't know how old your dad is, but it's worth noting that since you said he was young, the vast majority of kidney cancer deaths are concentrated in older age groups source and that bodes really well for a recovery once more especially considering like I said earlier it's likely you guys caught it in an early stage. I just feel like this is really relevant information that may help you out.hey. got some news today and i need to get it out
my dad went to the doctor, and normally this is kinda common since he has a pacemaker for his heart. he gets device checkups all the time, but he needed to get checked all the way this time i guess. they found a huge growth on his kidney, and said its most likely to be cancer. i don't know much about this stuff, i for sure don't know much about cancer, but i'm fucking terrified. i don't mean to be a downer at all, most of the time i try my best to make others happy, but right now i just can't take anything. my dad's too young to die, he hasn't seen enough. i feel hysterical typing this. my dad cannot die, i love him too much. is that selfish? he isn't suffering, he didn't even know it was there... is it selfish i want him to live for me and my family? i want him to live to see me grow up. earlier after getting the news, i layed down in my bed and cried so hard i got a headache. i haven't done anything like that in a long time, but i woke up and saw myself clenching my hands together to pray. hell, i don't know if i even believe in some higher power, but whatever is out there i need them to help me. i feel like i've been such a failure if he dies and i've ended up like this. i don't want to be alive if i lose my dad, he is one of my best friends... but i'm sure i'm overreacting for a possibility, i've never handled death so personally. thank you for reading, friends, i hope your day goes amazing
Hey man, I really resonated with your post being a seriously anxious person myself. I know it's probably pretty trite to say this, but I hope you seriously considering looking into therapy, especially for your social anxiety. I don't want to "diagnose" you or anything and I'm not saying that it's going to solve all your problems but there's ways in which you can learn to live with your anxiety to the point where you can still do the things you want to do in life without anxiety holding you back and convincing you that it's better and safer to avoid. I'd recommend looking into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and you can even find CBT specific workbooks to look at if therapy is too prohibitive a cost. The idea behind CBT is that you "challenge" the thoughts that are distorting your own reality. A great example of anxiety is your thought that no one will ever care about your feelings. What evidence is there to suggest that's true? There isn't any; it's emotional reasoning - it only feels true. That's one kind of thinking trap that CBT hopefully teaches you how to recognize and live with. Being rejected by a girl is definitely disheartening but the reality is, it's also very brave to even do that in the first place. But because it ended in rejection, your brain is pounding you with these negative thoughts and maybe even saying you should give up on asking people out. CBT teaches you to challenge these sorts of thoughts and learn to think rationally about these situations; the truth is, yeah things didn't work out, but that isn't a reflection on you as a person. It does not doom you to eternal loneliness, no matter how much you might feel that to be the case. Even if you feel that therapy wouldn't be helpful to you, I'd encourage you to think about your negative thoughts and fears and think hard about if those fears and thoughts are grounded in reality.Well, I didn't think I'd do it but I guess I'm here.
I've had symptoms of depression for about a year now, and recently it's been getting worse. I first noticed it during the early covid days. I noticed I had a lower mood and sometimes started tearing up for no apparent reason. At first I thought it was because I got rejected by a girl I liked at college just before it closed for covid (yeah, stupid, I know).
But today I don't even think about her, I'm definitely over it but still feel depressed. Looking back, one time I started crying and my parents basically invalidated me by saying that "everyone is struggling through these times, it's not just you". And now I start to realise that, to put it frankly, I was never validated as a child. Looking at my behaviour I always strived for any scrap of validation from my teachers, friends etc. But, another problem is that I have pretty bad social anxiety. This makes it really hard for me to connect with anyone.
So, Lack of emotional validation + Social anxiety = depression and severe loneliness.
Even on the Internet I struggle to connect with anyone, always feeling like I need to desperately struggle to be noticed or validated. But even when I do get a piece of that attention I desperately crave, it really doesn't make me happy.
I don't know where I'm going with this but nowadays I have really low mood and energy, and struggle to keep myself from crying. If I'm left undistracted for even a short time I fall into thoughts about my loneliness and the idea that no one will ever care about my feelings.
I guess I'm writing this because my friend told me it would help and I guess it kinda does. I might add more or write another post if I feel like it.
If you actually read through that, thanks I guess. I'm always on discord DKM#3769 if anyone wants to talk.
Hi. I haven't posted in I think 2 or 3 months so a little update because I seriously need to vent about this.
Context: my mom had a first marriage where she had my older sister, who is about 15 years older than me (I'm 18 and yes my mom was a teen mom. this is a whole another conversation). Her dad was a piece of shit and eventually left to Japan to where his family was from and left my mom and my sister here in Brazil. He then remarried another woman there and had 2 daughters. They aren't related to me but we talk sometimes since they also learned how to speak portuguese from him. My sister has 2 sons, one's 4y old and the other's 10y old, and her husband is a nice guy. I love my nephews more than anything in this world btw they bring such joy it's ridiculous.
Start of January was normal until like the second week where I my sister got the news that her dad's condition had worsened. He had some kind of liver problem I can't really recall right now and had trouble urinating and was just in a lot of pain. He eventually died January 14th and my sister was really really impacted. I called her, she was crying a lot and I asked my dad to drive to her house. I spent the night there with her and my nephews to comfort her. Me and my nephews never met her dad so it wasn't as bad for us, since my dad is their grandpa now basically. So this was the first death from january.
A day later, the 15th, I get the news that my friend's dad died. He was young and healthy. He died from a heart attack. My friend tried to call the ambulance but they couldn't make it in time and his dad died in their home. I was... completely devastated. I care a lot about this friend and just imagining the amount of pain he was feeling I felt like I was feeling it too. I spent the rest of the day completely in shock and not even knowing how to react. I texted him and said he could count on me for literally anything, if there was anything I could do, I would do just to relieve his pain. I really wish I could see him rn and just hug him and say it's gonna be fine but I can't because of this stupid fucking virus. This death hit me really really hard.
Next day, 16th, my neighbor died. He was already very old (83y old iirc) and had some health conditions like having a pacemaker and only having one kidney. His nephew was caring for him since he outlived his wife and kids and eventually had to move out to live with his nephew. He was hospitalized not short after and died a few days later. The thing is, when he moved, he was basically fine. I've been living with my parents in my grandma's since 2016 because of reasons I stated in my previous post and when my neighbor moved, we decided to take the opportunity and rent his apartment. This was in december and we finished moving like 2 days ago because the house needed to be painted and the floor removed. Now, I feel like i can feel him in the house, and I'm honestly a bit paranoid about living there. Anyways, this one hit me a bit hard too.
Next day, 17th, my friend's grandma died. She was already of age and I never met her but she was still my friend's grandma, and I felt really bad for her. Made me think abt all the fights I have with my grandma and if I'm taking her for granted.
Jumping now to about a week ago, I got the news that my aunt had a stroke. She's actually my mom's aunt or something like that but me and my cousins always called her aunt. She's of age, she's abt 70 or so iirc and she had started to forget somethings here and there, which is normal for her age. I came to visit her a few days after the incident and that was when I really felt like shit. I don't want my aunt to die, I love her so much I don't know what I'm gonna do if she dies. I treasure her a lot. I constantly ask my mom how she's doing and she recovered a bit. Previously, she wouldn't even open her eyes, but now she blinks and that's the way her and her daughter communicate now. It's heartbreaking having to hear her voice in the video she sent and I just crumbled right then and there seeing my aunt like that. She always brought ice cream for Christmas and now I feel like every Christmas won't be the same anymore without her. I seriously feel like shit about this situation, especially since there's nothing I can do except pray she recovers.
I'm tired of people dying. Why do I have to lose people I care about? Why does my friend have to go through the pain of losing his dad? I never had to go through so much death in such a short period of time and it's just too overwhelming, I feel like there's a weight on my shoulders. I talked to my therapist about it but it didn't resolve anything and I'm just so scared of losing my aunt it's driving me insane.
We don't talk very much because I find it difficult to connect with someone to an extent where I actively go out of my way to talk to them these days, but I can absolutely promise you that you're a ray of sunshine across this community and I'd imagine for everyone that knows you in real life as well. I've had pretty serious anxiety and depression over the past 3-ish years and I speak from experience when I say it is extremely difficult to not let those feelings control you and your outlook on everything in some way shape or form. I mention this because it doesn't surprise me that you've been dealing with these feelings because you've always come across like you're one of the strongest people ever despite doing nothing but being bubbly and nice all the time and showing no signs of struggle/obstacles in your way, you are a tank in ways I admire a lot. You are most certainly not alone, hope you're doin ok buddy, bap, etc.I don't often frequent these discussions and I never really imagined myself posting in them, they're usually a bit too heavy for me. I'm very private about my personal life and even if im quite easy going on this website, very rarely do I like going into detail about things, but this one time I felt like making an exception.
I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was around 14 years old. Though I was able to obtain psychological help and overcome my mental illnesses for a long time, I always had the constant fear of this feeling coming back, and it would once in a while. Even in periods in which I was in good health I'd worry about the moment in which feelings like this would resurface, as I knew that they would. I dont even mean this in a pessimistic way, more so just knowing the fact that slumps of time would exist in which I'd inevitably feel really fucking shitty.
At the start of last year I decided to go back to seeing my psychologist but our sessions stopped taking place due to COVID. I was mostly trying to figure plans out for 2020, and well...obviously most of those went to shit along with the whole world, including a reunion with my then girlfriend of 2 years, whose from another country. Even though I had the option of continuing to receive the help I wanted through a virtual medium, i just didn't feel comfortable with the prospect and stopped getting help altogether.
Thanks to a pretty addictive personality and awesome online friends that I've met on this website, what definitely was the worst year of my life for me and many felt a lot less gloomy. I actually developed close bonds with a lot of amazing people and learned a lot about myself, but I still managed to pretty much do nothing with my life outside of continuing my career in a setting that was incredibly unfriendly and uninspiring thanks to the online restrictions.
Days just started to feel the same, and I was increasingly finding myself distant from most things I used to love. My passion for writing and music were pretty much gone and I didnt even feel like sharing a lot of time with my significant other due to a series of small problems that started adding up. I even really started hating mons from a competitive standpoint in general even though that was my source of fun for such a big portion of the year, feeling which I maintain 90% of the time to this day and has made me quit for the most part. Despite this I was developing new interests: I found out that im bi, developed a strong love for chess and I finally got back to listening to a lot of new music. I just knew that the tides were turning at the end of 2020, and that the changes I had to make to feel happy again were gonna hurt, a lot, like the metal going thru my body when I cant quite stop moving cause im having a panic attack. Its sort of like knowing that the task of moving is a difficult one, but also the only way for the bomb to not blow up. (I say this while I type this whole thing on my phone while moving around my house cause its also the way my brain functions better).
This year, I decided that due to differences in so many life experiences as well as my increasing need for distance, that it was time for me to stop being in the relationship I was in. It was initially meant as a break, but as time has passed in which I've been figuring myself out, I'm noticing that this is definitely gonna be a lot more prologued than I implied, may I say permanent. And there's things I have yet to tell her and things that will inevitably make us break when that conversation happens very soon, and just having that in mind is a lot to take in...There are silver linings, I started writing again and feeling incentivized to do things like finally learning how to drive and reconnecting with some irl friends, as well as developing a thing with a boy who I'm recently attracted to, and thats all great and all till I start panicking about everyone and everything and then I fear fucking everything up.
Unfortunately, I'm as neurotic as ever, and while I'm trying my hardest not to wrongfully rationalize every little thing that happens in my life or overwhelm those around me, I find myself still hurt from a lot of past situations such as my breakup or those days in which I cant write cause my brain won't stop buzzing like a fly tryna pass thru a window unsuccessfully for hours....
Just wanna have some quietness to make these big and not so big decisions and start this year right, and ill continue striving for that and get the proper help I need. I've always disliked the concept of new year's resolutions in general actually, at least from the standpoint of having to set an imaginary date for people to decide that they gotta work on their shit, but I felt like I had no other choice right now if I wanna make it lol. But I've been remembering this line from a song: "There is a crack in everything, thats how light gets in".
I know that change like this isnt supposed to be easy and im working on myself which is a great thing, but its so hard as well. If we're close, pls be a bit patient w me, ik im a mess and I love you lots for the times u stand and not stand my bs whenever the appropriate circumstance arises. And to those struggling, im wishing you nothing but so much constant love and health. I know ill be able to find what I need, eventually. In the meantime, lots of sighing, and "Punisher" on repeat.