Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

[DM]

Lol, I've never seen this thread before. I'll be 16 in about 4 month and I haven't even been in a serious relationship. I've only kissed a girl once at camp and it went absolutely nowhere, lol. I had a crush in 4th grade and a crush in 9th and I was friend-zoned by both because I really tried to come off on them as a friend more then a lover so I screwed my self over there (haha). Why am I such a loser and why can't I talk to girls. ;__;

you can start by reading through this thread and taking note of all the posts thoroughly tearing apart the bullshit notion of a "FRIEND ZONE"

 

[ivar]

@shinyazelf

honestly, my assessment is that by and large i agree with what subsequent posters have said, she's probably ashamed of the relationship despite her repeated denial. my suggestion, however, is to just stay with her but try and take a chill attitude about the whole thing, but always retain your dignity and eventually when it's well known enough nobody will care anymore about the gossip and she will stop being bothered herself.

and guess what this does for you my man? well if she's ashamed then its clearly because you have managed to pull in a chick above your league--congrats dude, give yourself a pat on the back. and if you keep you're cool and dignity, you will forever have the respect of your high school for being that boss bro raking in chicks way hotter than him. just don't let her embarrass you and dont make a fool of yourself; she genuinely seems to want to stay with, so if you play your cards right you can hit that zone where people will just accept your relationship and so will she; this gives you instant high school cred. its not about the "cred" itself, which is obviously meaningless, but speaking from a utilitarian viewpoint this cred will make the next couple years of your life much easier.

edit: and if the relationship is really on the rocks and you dont mind kinda being a dick, after she has admitted and is comfortable with others knowing of the relationship, dump her and you will be forever boss.

 

[ivar]

while its not exactly fair for her to do what she is doing, what you have on your side is you feel a need to tell everyone you're in a relationship, and think to yourself, is it really that important? Isn't it important to love what you have because its so great and amazing? Its weird with the public stuff, but does everyone really need to know? I think you can answer that yourself.

Again, not fair on her side, and I would talk to her about it (dont nag). If you have something special, it shouldnt be important to you that everyone knows about it.

well the idea is that if she is acting in this bizarre manner, then maybe what they have isnt so "special". shinyazelf isnt some hollywood celebrity trying to keep his love life secret from the paparazzi, so there's no reason for his girl to go out of his way to hide their relationship. i agree that it isnt important for a relationship to be made public in some deliberate manner but it's clearly a warning sign if a chick goes out of her to never let it reach the public

 

[Fishy]

the only reason i can imagine not wanting to tell anyone that i was dating somebody, especially a boy even minutely younger than myself, is that i was for whatever (dumb) reason, embarrassed about it. even though the disparity between you two in age is really not a big deal, it apparently is to her - high school is a very sensitive period in any budding and growing teenager's life, and she just sounds flustered that she has such strong feelings for you but you're also a younger guy, which may not be "ideal" for a high school girl most of the time.

frankly, i'm 22 and have an inherent disinterest in younger dudes - mostly because of the maturity thing, and i guess a preference for wanting to date men, not boys. that's still a little biased and shallow to some degree, but stereotypes and the like do exist for a few reasons!! and once you get past your "boyfriends/girlfriends" in middle school stage when you're all the same age and are experimenting with things together, i think girls (as they do mature more quickly) figure out their dream boy or whatever and keep their chins high while the boys are just hoping to find whatever pretty girl that will have them, though of course they'll have their own standards too and search for whatever they like!

i'm generalizing a lot, but you get the idea hopefully. this girl probably hasn't colored you as her ideal partner, but her feelings seem genuine enough and she's just having an inner struggle with what she wants and what she feels her peers expect/want to see from her. really though, if she can't understand how uncomfortable this makes you, that's going to be an issue whether you continually address it or not. she needs to either get over herself, or you mutually get over one another. 11 months is already a long time, don't let any more time pass by if you can change something to make yourself happier!!

 

[Chou Toshio]

Hey Shiny-- long time since I had the chance to read about your girl issues; all I can say dude, is don't worry about making a highschool relationship work out. Odds are it won't-- but it sounds like she might be getting ahead of herself (and since I know you, I'm going to guess that you might be getting ahead of yourself a little too).

Back to rule 1 dude-- just play it cool; and see how things work out. Honestly, as long as you have feelings for her, I'd stick with it-- and not give her a hard time about not wanting to be public.

There's a lot to be learned, gained and felt from this type of relationship-- experiencing devotion, as well as pain are important to becoming a stronger person; and experience coping with a difficult relationship can only give you important experience in the long run.

Hang in there man. Send me a PM if this is the same girl we used to chat about on IRC.


FYI-- let the record stand that I can barely stand GIRLS who are younger than me; I feel like I'm baby sitting. They still have so much to figure out-- we're not on the same page. I've dated girls several years older than me as well (max 12 years older), and I think that changed my expectations of women; it changed my expectations of the maturity and wisdom I expect from my partner. My girlfriend now of a year and a half is almost a year and a half older than me-- and it is the best relationship I've ever had. She is amazing. Anyway, worrying about that type of age difference is ridiculous. Let's talk again after you've dated a girl at least 5 years older.

Also, gotta say-- from my experience with all the women I've dated, the whole "women mature faster than men" thing really leaves me skeptical.

 

[ShinyAzelf]

I honestly did not expect so many responses, but I'll try to respond to all of them.

I think the most important thing for you to do is to find out why she doesn't want people knowing about you two. Maybe try and get together and have a serious talk with her about it, without accusations or losing your temper over it? On some level I'd like to agree with pookar but this sort of bullshit can definitely make someone feel unappreciated or make you feel like your partner is ashamed to be seen with you, regardless of what they say on the subject.

That being said, if I had to guess what her problem is... I'd imagine it's the age/legality issue. While age doesn't matter too much when you're an adult, when you're under 18? Yeah, it's kind of a big deal, especially when the older person goes over the age of consent. That sort of thing can really come back and bite someone on the arse, and it's possible she's worried about other people seeing her as predatory in some way to be dating younger dudes. I know when I was in high school that plenty of people would give someone in year 12 shit for dating someone 1+ year/s younger. Who knows though. I think your best bet is to talk to her about why she feels so strongly about not telling people.

I'm 100% sure it has nothing to do with age of consent or anything like that. I live in Hong Kong, and we have no problems with that here. I know there have been guys who have dated older girls and there was never an issue regarding age.

Alright. Firstly there isn't a logical explanation for her being so insistent on keeping the relationship secret, except that she's ashamed of it. This may sound harsh, but given that you're both in high school I'd guess she's more worried about her social status and somehow feels the relationship threatens it. No healthy relationship needs to be kept secret in this day and age, this isn't Shakespearean times. I seriously doubt legality is anything she's worried about as your ages are pretty close.

Secondly, the fact that you've said you two have fought and broken up multiple times tells me the relationship isn't very healthy and is not going to last. Once that first breakup happens and you've shown each other you're willing to "end it all" over anything other than infidelity, your relationship slowly begins to break down. That seed of doubt gets planted in the back of your mind and never really goes away, causing stress and friction between the two of you until the relationship meets a violent end.

This may sound harsh, but in my opinion there isn't a way to resolve this and still stay together. This relationship is not healthy, and you shouldn't need to prove to each other that you're serious or committed. It would be best for you to cut ties with this girl immediately and move on. It's going to suck initially, moreso because it's your "first love", but trust me when I tell you it's only going to get worse from here on out, and the longer you stay together the more pressure will build up, causing the ultimate end to be far more explosive and painful than it needs to be. Don't do that to yourself or each other. I've made the mistake (multiple times) of letting a relationship continue longer than it should have, and I regretted it each time because more pain was caused.

I wouldn't say our relationship is "unhealthy", though it definitely isn't ideal. Our fights (and break ups) aren't as serious as it seems, but I get where you're coming from. You're right though, it is very, very hard for me to leave her, because I love her, and because she's my first actual girlfriend. I don't think I should break up with her now, because the problem is becoming less of an issue, but if it still makes me upset for a period of time, then I'll have to reconsider.

Before giving you advice, I would like to know what is the social consensus about relationships where the girl is the older in your country?

That may sound awkward, but depending on the culture of each country the girl may prefer to hide the fact they are dating a younger boy than herself, maybe the answer is as simple like that.

I live in the caribbean and here nobody cares about age differences (my girlfriend is, indeed, 3 years older than me, but at our ages that does not matter)

Basically what I responded to elcheeso. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the culture.

its high school man - labels are inevitable. fact of the matter is, your girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable being labelled by people and there is nothing you can do about it because that's her personal preference. maybe one day she'll feel more comfortable going public.

there is no resolve to this because the last thing you want to do is control your girlfriend's life. that will only drive her away. she obviously likes you a lot enough to come back and i imagine that its hard for her to abide to your request because she is stepping out of her comfort zone. she is definitely putting in effort to step out of it though. (she is telling some of her friends).

if it gets to the point were you don't feel satisfied with the relationship and you would rather be a part of an open relationship then you can always move on. put yourself first before anyone else. your happiness is more important.

I don't think I'm to the point where I''m not satisfied with the relationship. Aside from this and a bunch of other silly things (which are minor), I'm very happy with the way our relationship is going. I do agree that she's trying to step out of her comfort zone and let more people know, and I do acknowledge that, but the fact that its been almost 11 months and she's still not fully comfortable with it makes me worry.

@shinyazelf

honestly, my assessment is that by and large i agree with what subsequent posters have said, she's probably ashamed of the relationship despite her repeated denial. my suggestion, however, is to just stay with her but try and take a chill attitude about the whole thing, but always retain your dignity and eventually when it's well known enough nobody will care anymore about the gossip and she will stop being bothered herself.

and guess what this does for you my man? well if she's ashamed then its clearly because you have managed to pull in a chick above your league--congrats dude, give yourself a pat on the back. and if you keep you're cool and dignity, you will forever have the respect of your high school for being that boss bro raking in chicks way hotter than him. just don't let her embarrass you and dont make a fool of yourself; she genuinely seems to want to stay with, so if you play your cards right you can hit that zone where people will just accept your relationship and so will she; this gives you instant high school cred. its not about the "cred" itself, which is obviously meaningless, but speaking from a utilitarian viewpoint this cred will make the next couple years of your life much easier.

edit: and if the relationship is really on the rocks and you dont mind kinda being a dick, after she has admitted and is comfortable with others knowing of the relationship, dump her and you will be forever boss.

Thanks for your post, for making me feel better about myself! But in all seriousness, yeah, I'll try to chill out a little about it. I'm not going to comment about her being out of my league or anything, but I am gonna say that she has had tons of guys like her in the past, and me...not so much.

well the idea is that if she is acting in this bizarre manner, then maybe what they have isnt so "special". shinyazelf isnt some hollywood celebrity trying to keep his love life secret from the paparazzi, so there's no reason for his girl to go out of his way to hide their relationship. i agree that it isnt important for a relationship to be made public in some deliberate manner but it's clearly a warning sign if a chick goes out of her to never let it reach the public

Yeah, that's why I'm worried, because just until 2 months ago, she would still be SUPER worried whenever someone found out about us (which doesn't happen very often). She would then proceed to call me, and go "omgggg more and more people are finding out and I don't like it" or something like that. It's been a little better recently, considering actually 0 of her friends from school knew about our relationship until last year December, which is quite crazy, but its not perfect either.

the only reason i can imagine not wanting to tell anyone that i was dating somebody, especially a boy even minutely younger than myself, is that i was for whatever (dumb) reason, embarrassed about it. even though the disparity between you two in age is really not a big deal, it apparently is to her - high school is a very sensitive period in any budding and growing teenager's life, and she just sounds flustered that she has such strong feelings for you but you're also a younger guy, which may not be "ideal" for a high school girl most of the time.

frankly, i'm 22 and have an inherent disinterest in younger dudes - mostly because of the maturity thing, and i guess a preference for wanting to date men, not boys. that's still a little biased and shallow to some degree, but stereotypes and the like do exist for a few reasons!! and once you get past your "boyfriends/girlfriends" in middle school stage when you're all the same age and are experimenting with things together, i think girls (as they do mature more quickly) figure out their dream boy or whatever and keep their chins high while the boys are just hoping to find whatever pretty girl that will have them, though of course they'll have their own standards too and search for whatever they like!

i'm generalizing a lot, but you get the idea hopefully. this girl probably hasn't colored you as her ideal partner, but her feelings seem genuine enough and she's just having an inner struggle with what she wants and what she feels her peers expect/want to see from her. really though, if she can't understand how uncomfortable this makes you, that's going to be an issue whether you continually address it or not. she needs to either get over herself, or you mutually get over one another. 11 months is already a long time, don't let any more time pass by if you can change something to make yourself happier!!

Yeah I would imagine a girl who's still in high school wouldn't choose her "ideal" partner just yet. She always knew it made me uncomfortable, and that's why eventually she tried to do something about it. The situation is better than before, but it still annoys me.

Hey Shiny-- long time since I had the chance to read about your girl issues; all I can say dude, is don't worry about making a highschool relationship work out. Odds are it won't-- but it sounds like she might be getting ahead of herself (and since I know you, I'm going to guess that you might be getting ahead of yourself a little too).

Back to rule 1 dude-- just play it cool; and see how things work out. Honestly, as long as you have feelings for her, I'd stick with it-- and not give her a hard time about not wanting to be public.

There's a lot to be learned, gained and felt from this type of relationship-- experiencing devotion, as well as pain are important to becoming a stronger person; and experience coping with a difficult relationship can only give you important experience in the long run.

Hang in there man. Send me a PM if this is the same girl we used to chat about on IRC.


FYI-- let the record stand that I can barely stand GIRLS who are younger than me; I feel like I'm baby sitting. They still have so much to figure out-- we're not on the same page. I've dated girls several years older than me as well (max 12 years older), and I think that changed my expectations of women; it changed my expectations of the maturity and wisdom I expect from my partner. My girlfriend now of a year and a half is almost a year and a half older than me-- and it is the best relationship I've ever had. She is amazing. Anyway, worrying about that type of age difference is ridiculous. Let's talk again after you've dated a girl at least 5 years older.

Also, gotta say-- from my experience with all the women I've dated, the whole "women mature faster than men" thing really leaves me skeptical.

Hey Chou Toshio. This isn't the same girl that I was talking about a couple years back. It was initially awkward between us for awhile, but its cool now and we're friends. Anyways, I have tried to just see how things work out, and frankly, it hasn't worked out the way I hoped it would. She promised me that "one day" everyone will know about us, but judging by her actions, god knows when this day will come. It would be nice though to talk to you about this on IRC sometime.


Again, thanks so much for all your opinions regarding this issue. I really appreciate it.

 

[WaterBomb]

girls (as they do mature more quickly)

This is true...but is then undermined by all the fantasy BS shoved into their heads by movies and TV that teaches them how to play mental games and makes them expect every guy to meet some romantic dream model that doesn't exist. As girls mature, they get more devious and learn more clever ways to play games with guys. So I guess in the end things even out.

 

[junior]

It's almost as if going both your owns ways wasn't enough for him: it seems as if you hurt him deeply, and he feels it's necessary to make that fact known to you. Moreso, it's as if he is personally invested in forcing guilt upon you. I understand the position; I have seen it happen before, and it really is a shame.

in his mind he has painted you out as the villain and he can't move on from that yet...there's really nothing you can do ither than stay out of his way and wait for him to grow the fuck up

I think it was definitely the other way around. He definitely hurt me more than I hurt him and it was indescribable heartache. It was the first time I've legitimately got my heart broken afterall but yeah.

I do see where you guys are coming from and its possible that he still paints me as a villain and trying to make me feel guilty for whatever Ive done.

The really confusing thing is he had amples of opportunity to make me feel guilty but now that it's 2 months after completely no contact that he does it?

I really think he needs to grow up too. I'm feeling hurt and heartache all over again because of this and whenever it's quiet I just think of him again. I really despise him for it, but at the same time I just wish him the best and hope he's doing really well. I guess I'm still bitter about it too, I'd be lying if I said I never talk about him to non-mutual friends.

DM, could you elaborate on your situation? I just wanna see how much I can relate and possibly see what could happen in the future. I just really need SOME sort of closure and if the only way is through other people's experiences, then I guess Ill have to try.

@junior

I'm not going to pretend like I know the whole situation, but it sounds like he's a little jealous that you're not taking the "break up" as hard as he is. The fact that he wants to talk shit about you with your mutual friends shows that he's insecure about himself and the decision (if there really was one) that was made between you two, which is also evidenced by his detachment from actually interacting with you face-to-face.

I don't think there's an easy way to resolve the tension between you two. This is one of those situations where you can do one of two things: either be up front with him and ask what he's feeling, or confide in your friends what you posted here and your feelings about it and have them try and coax what he's really feeling out of him so you can both have a mutual understanding of your feelings before talking. In either case the "problem" isn't going to go away until a conversation of some kind is had between you two.

We definitely weren't seeing each other or dating or anything, but definitely heaps close friends to the point where mutual friends thought we were an item. I think we both made a lot of mistakes and no-one is really to blame fully.

Talking is definitely not an option anymore. I gave him more than enough chances to and quite frankly, I'm starting to care more about my pride and ego than I do about fixing our relationship and closure. (it used to be the other way around)

I don't know how to coax the information out of my friends though. They've known him longer than I have and I think they think it's best that I don't know what hes said for my own sake and I actually agree. I'm a naturally adventurous/curious person and the more I know, the more questions I'll just have.

That said, i still really want to know so any tips?

 

[junior]

Ive had a really long thought about it and I really want to reach out to him one last time for both of our sake, and get closure and to just move on. Should I do this? I just feel like itll be the best for both of us. Definitely gonna sleep on this and see how I feel later but what do you guys think?

 

[Rowan]

Junior, I have pretty much been in almost exactly the same position as you so I really know how you feel. A similar sort of thing happened with my ex-girlfriend when we split up; I tried really hard to maintain some sort of friendship with her yet she just kind of villainified (yeah, that's not a word) me and basically said a load of shit (some true, some complete lies) to many of our mutual friends. Despite having been in a similar position to you, I really don't know what to say as advice except wait till he grows up or get over himself, until then just stay out of their way. He's probably only acting like this because he's not really over you and has created in his own mind ways in which you're the bad guy.
The main thing I really did was made sure I stayed close to our mutual friends and made sure that no-one was really taking sides. I guess what Oglemi said about just speaking to these friends about how he's making you feel would help. It will help get your feelings out a bit if you speak them aloud and they may just tell you what he's been saying just to re-assure you that they don't agree with it for whatever reason.
But yes, just stay out of his way until he gets over himself. Pretty hard, I know especially if it seems like they're trying to make your difficult but he will just stop eventually. In fact, just the other day my ex-girlfriend e-mailed me apologising for being a complete cunt (her words, not mine) to me for the past year and a half. I didn't forgive her and I'm still pissed at her for acting the way she did - but we've reached the point where we can be civil around each other and that's probably as close as we'll ever get to friendship again.

EDIT:

Ive had a really long thought about it and I really want to reach out to him one last time for both of our sake, and get closure and to just move on. Should I do this? I just feel like itll be the best for both of us. Definitely gonna sleep on this and see how I feel later but what do you guys think?

I think it will be good if you tried this, but bare in mind it might not work. Obviously I don't know the guy, but if he is similar to my ex-girlfriend, he might not be prepared to listen to you being reasonable, judging by the way he's acting. But I guess there won't be much harm in telling him that he's behaving rather unfairly, and just asking him to leave it and move on or whatever. I'm not entirely sure on what you mean by reach out to him though so I might be misinterpreting this.

 

[junior]

by reaching out I mean just being like messaging him, hi I feel like theres a lot of tension between us and i feel like we should really talk and then go from there etc.

i would text or fb message him but that really isnt an option since i deleted his number and blocked him on fb so im just gonna pm him on a forum we both go to ahhh i hate drama, why does shit have to be so complicated

 

[VKCA]

frankly, i'm 22 and have an inherent disinterest in younger dudes - mostly because of the maturity thing, and i guess a preference for wanting to date men, not boys. that's still a little biased and shallow to some degree

this seems perfectly reasonable to me? how is it shallow at all?

by reaching out I mean just being like messaging him, hi I feel like theres a lot of tension between us and i feel like we should really talk and then go from there etc.

i would text or fb message him but that really isnt an option since i deleted his number and blocked him on fb so im just gonna pm him on a forum we both go to ahhh i hate drama, why does shit have to be so complicated

Do it darl! making amends is always worth while!
well... almost always

 

[Shining_Latios]

Yo ShinyAzelf, haven't talked to in a while man. Anyways, about your situation, I'm gonna have to agree with WaterBomb that it is just an unhealthy relationship and he basically sums up most of my thoughts. She's basically mocking your social status by avoiding you if you ask me and that's not what you should be looking for in a girl honestly. I'm not going to suggest breaking up with her right now. Wait it out and see how it goes bro, but if this bullshit continues, I would honestly just end it there. Sorry if I repeated stuff that others said, but I just feel like this needed to be addressed.

 

[DM]

DM, could you elaborate on your situation? I just wanna see how much I can relate and possibly see what could happen in the future. I just really need SOME sort of closure and if the only way is through other people's experiences, then I guess Ill have to try.

Well, I did it myself when I was in high school. A girl didn't want to date me anymore, and I said I was okay with it and we were friends for a while, but then after a bit I actually sabotaged her chances with another guy and really just fucking pouted all the time.

More recently (high school was 12 years ago), I have seen relationships dissolve when the people still stay in the same social circles. Toward each other, they both act like they're okay with it, but inevitably one of them takes it a little harder than the other and starts doing underhanded shit to let the person know. I guess it just goes with getting jilted, it's never a good situation.

 

[Ninahaza]

So I am spending the night with my ckose friends. My best friemd and bromance parter, Michael, and John. We are very drunk and sone of us are high as well. We have been talking about my experience with "zach". Michael and john both keep askung me if I'm bisexual bexause of what happebed between me and "zach".

God. So far they are really making a good case of me being bisexual and I an fimding it hard to defend nyself against thier ligic. Help me

 

[Ninahaza]

My only argument is that I've never found a guy sexually attractive

 

[LonelyNess]

That's the only argument you need.

 

[elcheeso]

That's the only argument you need.

This. Also it's not other people's place to tell you what your sexual identity is, regardless of what your actual orientation might be.

 

[Ninahaza]

Yeah but apparently I ack very gay and I have no problem pointing out wheb a guy is very attractive, but I think that's a very weak argument. So what if I let a guy fucking suck my dick. Zach is actually very cute and I regret nothing

 

[Ninahaza]

I think I was more curious than anything

 

[LonelyNess]

Maybe a little bi-curious?

 

[Ninahaza]

Fuck. Thier logic is so fucking good. But I know I dont find guys sexually attractive, but I do find them very much attractive. The weird thing is that they are making me believe that if the rig guy came along, things woukd go different. They ar. Implanting things in my head that are clearly not mine

 

[VKCA]

if you don't masturbate to gay porn I think it's pretty safe to say you're not gay

at least that's what i'm going off of

 

[Fishy]

joseph, you're all fucked up, stop worrying so much, geez!!

if you didn't lose weight and get in shape to attract dudes, then you're fine (besides attracting yourself of course~)

 

[Ninahaza]

Gishy did I tell you that I seriously love yo? <4 you girl