Please, Tell Me I'm Not Crazy!

[LonelyNess]

Ok, so I'm texting this girl that I'm interested in, and eventually the time seems right to ask her out. Well it goes really well, I get a date with her, but then something goes horribly ary... the next morning she texts me saying she has a boyfriend. What. The. Fuck. I honestly have no idea what to make of this.

In order for me to ascertain help, I figure it might be good to actually show you exactly what happened. So perhaps knowing exacty what was said would help

(Take note that these are actual transcripts of the texts, nothing has been deleted or altered.)

LN: Hey, are you coming home this weekend?
(She lives at another college, so I was just asking her availability)

Girl: I'm going to stay with my friend this weekend. But their house is really close to Joplin.
(I figure, this is great, she's telling me that she is close enough to where I am that she'd be available to do something.)

LN: Have you seen Quantum of Solace?

Girl: Nope. Or any of the other ones.

LN: You don't need the other ones, it's not a continuing storyline. I was wondering, if you wanted to go out with me and maybe see it tomorrow? Are you available?

Girl: Umm, how do you feel about The Day the Earth Stood Still? It comes out the 12th. I think I'd be more available then.

LN: That sounds good. I'll even provide for popcorn!

Girl: Hahaha, shall you? Ok! Talk to you tomorrow.

(Ok, so I'm feeling really good... and I'm like, FUCK YEAH! LN's got a date!!! But when I wake up the next morning. The following text is awaiting me)

Girl: So my boyfriend is really upset that I said I'd go out with you. So I don't think I'll be able to go. I'm so sorry. I really am

(What. The. Fuck.)

LN: Oh, well uh... my apologies. I was unaware you were seeing someone. That would have been good to know.

Girl: Yeah. I'm sorry. I haven't really told anyone. So now you and my friend GIRL 2 are the only people that know.

-------------------------------

Ok, nothing else is really pertinent to the discussion.

I am just really fucking confused. What kind of girl accepts such an obvious request for a date, and then the next morning tells you of a boyfriend they have???

Is she lying to me? Is she just really stupid? Please, tell me I'm not crazy! Tell me this is fucked up. Most importantly, tell me what you think.

 

[mingot]

I can only assume two things:

1. She didn't think it was ever a "date" and she'd already put you in her "fan club" (kiss of death, this is where you generally get put if you don't state your intentions fairly quickly). She was thinking hey, movie with a friend. So she casually mentions this to her boyfriend and he just didn't like the idea. This scenario seems most likely, as if she was interested I tend to think she would have been a little more sneaky and not told the boyfriend while she tested the waters (so to speak) with you.

2. She did think it was a date and was entertaining the notion of going on it, but decided to test out the idea on a non-commital boyfriend who she liked a bit more to see if it would firm up his position with her and get him to agree to some exclusivity. Which if this is the case it obviously did.

Ok, these are both bleak, sorry about that, but that's how I see it :(

As for what to do? I'd quit talking to her, or at least quit initiating communications. What's the point, ya know? She's already told you she won't/can't see you on the level you would like.

 

[LonelyNess]

See, I thought about #1, but how is "would you like to go out with me" confusing to anyone?? That's very obviously a date request.

 

[Mystica]

lol LN, my poor child.

She either didn't want to go out with you anymore, re-thought about it and "rejected" you. Which might be the case because you're a douchebag (i'm kidding i love you). Or maybe she didn't pick up on the whole "i want to go out with you" request.

Or she really does have a boyfriend and thought it would be just a friend thing. And actually, if she does have a boyfriend, it's probably a good thing she didn't "go out" with you because their would have been alot of unneeded drama.

It's honestly hard to tell, but stay away from this girl she's a dumbass.

You're not crazy! Just retarded! It's okay :D

 

[mingot]

It's honestly hard to tell, but stay away from this girl she's a dumbass.

All scenarios lead to this conclusion, so probably best to not dwell on the "whys" and just follow the good advice.

 

[Atlas]

shes was probably a bit clueless at the time. it wouldnt have worked out with you guys anyways, she wouldnt have been your bond girl.

 

[DM]

Yeah man, bottom line here is that you got hosed. There is no positive for you to take away from this situation; the best you could possibly say is that she would like to go out with you, but she's too afraid of her boyfriend to do it, in which case it's going to just cause more headaches and trouble if you pursue it further anyways. Just back off for the time being and be content to be friends.

 

[TAY]

Well it seems like she is either super clueless or super manipulative, and either way I don't think she's someone you want to date

sorry LN =(

 

[Syberia]

Sounds to me that she had second thoughts about you and invented the boyfriend story to try and get her out of the situation.

 

[Veteran In Love]

Ok, before I continue, I would just like to warn the readers and LN that this is rather scathing but for your own good. So anyway...

[Begin]

bad, Bad, BAD. So many mistakes where this interaction went wrong.

LN: Hey, are you coming home this weekend?
(She lives at another college, so I was just asking her availability)

Girl: I'm going to stay with my friend this weekend. But their house is really close to Joplin.
(I figure, this is great, she's telling me that she is close enough to where I am that she'd be available to do something.)

LN: Have you seen Quantum of Solace?

Girl: Nope. Or any of the other ones.

LN: You don't need the other ones, it's not a continuing storyline. I was wondering, if you wanted to go out with me and maybe see it tomorrow? Are you available?

"I was wondering"? "I WAS WONDERING"? Nonono, that is not a good start. At all. Just to give you an idea, girls are attracted to MEN, not insecure boys. So be a man, be decisive and lead the way. For example:

"Fair enough. So I was going to see Quantum of Solace tomorrow after I was done with the rest of the day's activities...Come along with me...you'll have fun and you can catch up to the rest of the world (or something like that. As long as you're giving the command, heck you can even poke fun at her for nto being in-tune with the latest culture, etc)"

But by saying "I was wondering" you already start to come across as insecure and desperate, which repels ladies (and pretty much anyone in general) like the plague.

Girl: Umm, how do you feel about The Day the Earth Stood Still? It comes out the 12th. I think I'd be more available then.

LN: That sounds good. I'll even provide for popcorn!

Girl: Hahaha, shall you? Ok! Talk to you tomorrow.

Ok what on earth was that....=[ You never ever EVER change your plans just because she has a whim. No, you're going to see the James Bond movie, and now since you literally abandoned your desires just to please her....well buddy, that just reeks of even more desperation and now you're a pushover.


So it's just my opinion, but....

You're not crazy at all, you just handled this very very poorly. You came across like a desperate pushover at the first sign of interest she showed in going on a date with you. And you never want to do that.

On a side note because she has a boyfriend doesn't really mean as much as it seems. For all we know, she could be unhappy in her current situation. Maybe she's just staying with him because she has no one else at the moment and doesn't want to leave a relationship. I mean, why else would she even be entertaining the thought of seeing a movie with you if she was absolutely content?

But anyway, you blew it, she lied to you and lost interest in you, so move on and make a stand next time.

[end]

 

[Eki]

Sooo... You think he should have replied "No, not "The Day the Earth Stood Still", I wanna see the Bond movie"? I really don't think that that would make her more interested. At all.

 

[LonelyNess]

No, that response would have been just as bad, but I agree with a lot of what ViL said. I put myself in that position to begin with by posing it as a question rather than "commanding" it as he said. Had I said "I'm definitely going" and said that she "should accompany me" then there's no changing of the plans, there's no opportunity for her to deviate...

Thank you, ViL for giving your honest opinion of the matter. I appreciate it.

 

[Glen]

lol vil are you kidding me

compromising on a movie does not reek of deperation. do you actually interact with women or did you just read 'the game' and now you feel like you understand them?

 

[kd24]

edit: im gonna repost this a bit but to sum up what this originally said, I mostly agree with vil that you should be more assertive in picking the movie.

 

[Tangerine]

Funny how the most recent xkcd applies so well

 

[wildfire393]

lol vil are you kidding me

compromising on a movie does not reek of deperation. do you actually interact with women or did you just read 'the game' and now you feel like you understand them?

Agree. Compromise is not a sign of "desperation", but rather a sign of actually caring what they think. Some women tend to value that sort of thing. Also, the "Accompany me" thing certainly seemed MUCH more open to interpretation of "just a friend-date" than the actual course of events here.
However, I do have to say that texting being the medium of communication was probably not optimal. Without visual and vocal cues, your statements are much more easily misconstrued to be friendly rather than "interested in a date".

There is one other situation in which this course of events could have played out in which neither of you is crazy or dumb. Perhaps, on the intervening night between this conversation and the text in the morning, she became involved with someone she was very interested in (hooked up at a party and discovered they had real chemistry and should date, etc). Upon realization that she very much wanted to pursue this new relationship, she unfortunately had to cancel the date with you. This would also fit with the "only one other person knows about him" scenario she mentioned.

 

[akuchi]

um. i accept all guy invitations on the grounds you know, boy and girl can be friends? me and, say, my best friend craig going for drinks/cinema/me staying over his doesn't mean we're romantically involved.
that she's soft enough to let her boyfriend tell her what to do, that's a problem, but it's not your problem.

 

[LonelyNess]

*snip*

How does this apply to me at all? That would be the case if I had like, not asked her out at all, or if I had misconveyed my intentions, but to be honest, I don't see how "go out with me" can be taken any other way than a date. And I'm not afraid of rejection, I took the chance and asked her out... how is this bring afraid of rejection? I would have been perfectly fine if she had just said no to begin with.

tl;dr that doesn't apply to this situation. At all.

 

[DM]

Your friend Craig wants to bang you.

Just sayin.

 

[akuchi]

i know this.

 

[Master Mikaruge]

I feel bad for you, honestly, but keep this in mind:

Never, whatever you do, start insulting girls. It'll ruin your reputation and it'll give you a lower chance of dating girls.

I've learned the hard way last year.

 

[Byhamz]

sorry if i've missed something here, but if i was the girl in question here i would have no reason from your texts to assume that you wanted a date. I mean, all you did was arrange to watch a movie together!

"i was wandering if you wanted to go out with me and watch a movie" just isn't making it obvious. (or at least it wouldn't in jolly old britain, not sure about where you live)

 

[Bourbon]

VIL is sort of right, but his advice is a little extreme. Girls want you to be assertive, and stand up for yourself but that doesn't involve being mean to them.

 

[Thorns]

The way you stated it projected to her that she wanted to go out as friends. It's not anyone's fault really.

 

[Lexite]

um. i accept all guy invitations on the grounds you know, boy and girl can be friends? me and, say, my best friend craig going for drinks/cinema/me staying over his doesn't mean we're romantically involved.
that she's soft enough to let her boyfriend tell her what to do, that's a problem, but it's not your problem.

Umm how is her BOYFRIEND not wanting her to go out with another guy to see a movie a problem? I wouldnt want syberia going to a movie with some girl that asked him out to go see a movie. If he was seing as movie with a friend that would be fine and i would let him go on his way, but if the girl asked him out, then no he cant "go out" with her. I see no problem there. And I would expect Syberia to have the same answer that I just gave aswell. That is not a matter of being soft, that is am matter of having respect for a person other then your self that you are sharing a relationship with. LN asked her out, as in a date, yes her boyfriend shouldnt like that she said yes and she should have said no in the first place (sorry LN :( i am very sorry and feel your pain).

And VIL is not right. Its nice if a guy is willing to change the movie if the girl really isnt interested in seing the movie. If a guy is willing to take the girl's suggestions once in a while that is a very good sign. And "I was wondering" is a fine start to asking someone out. LN, ignore VIL, I say you had a very good approach and no you are not crazy. I would say how you asked was very appeling.