Pokémon Biology: Baby Boomers

By Layell, Joeyboy, shade, and Pwnemon. Avatars by Bummer. Art by Ken Sugimori

The study of fornication in Pokemon Biology is an expansive field. This is likely due to the fact that many researchers have lackluster… "social relationships." The premier researcher in this field is Professor Elm; if you have ever wondered why so many Professors are named after trees, a fondness of hard wood is a requirement for the job.

When cataloging new Pokémon species, field researchers are always shocked to discover new baby species. Every time this happens, we ask ourselves "how did this happen?" and "how did it take so long to find these babies?"; these are questions for the ages. Today, my humorous, incredible Pokémon Biologists with very successful "social relationships" will help to answer the following questions:

Why did Pokémon Biologists fail to discover these species earlier?
What makes these babies unique from their parent species?
What are the unique factors that make babies evolve?
How should trainers take care of baby Pokémon?

Tonight in the room with me are the survivors of the reality show PhD Island; however, since the show got cancelled and funding taken away, they were stuck on the island for an extra two months along with the camera crew. Their consolation prize is being here with me now, and they are: shade as Totodile, Joeyboy as Golduck, and Pwnemon as Paras, along with myself, Layell, as Sneasel.

Pichu

How Pichu remained undiscovered to scientists for so long is an issue that has baffled them since its discovery. As the pre-evolution of the fan-favorite Pikachu, it seems exceedingly ridiculous that it would go unnoticed at all. However, this issue is not seen as a scientific failure—more a failure of the attentiveness of trainers! Scientists now believe that Pichu has always been in the public eye, but it was merely just not known to be a separate species from Pikachu— many trainers simply believed that they were in possession of a dwarf or pygmy Pikachu. Pichu, it seems, was believed to be the result of when a Pikachu Egg hatches prematurely. This discovery came as a happy surprise to many trainers who love the cuteness of Pichu; they now know they can make it hold an Everstone in order to retain its small stature.

Pichu was the first so-called "baby" Pokémon discovered and is one of only six to be obtainable without the use of an Incense. The pressing question when studying Pichu is: how can we find wild Pikachu at level 3 in Viridian Forest, if all bred Pikachu beget Pichu and it takes many levels of training for a Pichu to evolve from happiness? One theory which has been forthcoming is that Pichu evolves into Pikachu when it has stored sufficient electricity on its cheeks to activate the evolution process. In the wild, Pichu feel at home, and quickly channel all of their electrical energy into evolution. However, Pichu are very averse to the PokéBall's unfamiliar environment, so they instead spend all of their energy trying to overcome the capture system. Only once they become very comfortable with their trainer do baby Pichu put their energy toward evolution instead.

Ah Pichu, you know that there are still those out there who believe Pichu are a myth. They believe this because it's very hard to imagine how a Pokémon as popular as Pikachu could have a pre-evolution that no one knew about. They think it's all a conspiracy hatched by Professor Elm to pioneer his research on Pokémon Eggs. The nature of Pichu's discovery is in fact riddled with mysteries; when asked how he, Professor Elm, happened to successfully breed two Pikachu in captivity when no one else seemed to be able to, he went on record saying he had "no comment." Eerie. Noted Pikachu expert Professor Ketchum was also quite surprised at the news, saying "I can't believe that Pikachu has a pre-evolution; this makes no sense." It should be noted however that Prof. Ketchum responded similarly when he first heard of news of Pikachu's evolution Raichu. If you do ever manage to get your paws on a real Pichu, be sure to treat it with love and care; also be sure to send me a picture because I'm not quite sure they're real either...

A baby of one of the most recognizable Pokémon in the world, the evolution of Pichu may in fact be a recent development. Within the past twenty years, Pikachu as a species have been in such demand as pets that there has always been a market for small Pikachu from Kanto to Unova. The recent appearance of Pichu may be a way for baby species to grow up smaller and unrecognizable to the general Pokémon trainer. This is likely the reason biologists have never been able to find them previously, even in habitats which the Pikachu species is well known to inhabit.

Pichu have a greater tendency to shock themselves, making them very undesirable as pets for young children. In several cases, the Pichu seem to do this on purpose to be released back into the wild. Their smaller tails also allow them to not be caught by the tail traps that are notoriously common in Viridian Forest. If you do happen to own a baby Pichu, be sure to raise it with love and care, unless you want the little electric rodent to shock you unintentionally forever. In addition, potential buyers should be aware of where they buy their Pichu; in most cases, buying from the Egg is the easiest way to obtain one. However, don't just pick one up from any old Hiker you find on your local Route. Ensure they came from domesticated Pikachu; your local Daycare is the best place to find the ideal Pichu Egg.

Smoochum

There have been many cases of Pokémon being influenced by humanity: for example, Grimer and Muk literally did not exist before the Industrial Revolution, and Nosepass only recently developed an evolution into Probopass, mimicking Mario in a desperate cry to be loved instead of being forgotten (it didn't work). However, of all of the developments in Pokémon species alongside the influence of humanity, Jynx's is certainly the most disturbing.

It used to be that when Jynx had a baby, it was mature and ready for responsibility and battle in just a couple of weeks, but recently, its evolutionary chain has undergone a frightening mutation. Nobody knows exactly why, but my theory is that Smoochum have come into existence as a result of human interference with the Pokémon breeding process. As soon as we discovered Eggs, we began to pamper baby Jynx as we would our own daughters, and the results quickly went downhill. Now, Smoochum remains a weak, dependent baby until its thirties—a frightening reflection on all too much of the current generation of young adults. Even more disturbing, though, are its large lips and seductive pose. Though it is not yet ready for responsibility, it has also mirrored the trend in human society of sexualizing younger and younger girls. Perhaps Jynx's human-like form has made it easy to forget, but she is not one of us and we need to stop disturbing her species—unless you want to soon discover she has an evolution which only knows the move Amnesia and plays Bingo on Thursdays.

The Kiss Pokémon Smoochum is one of the baby Pokémon which most closely resembles its evolution, Jynx. Its discovery was relatively straightforward; once researchers made progress with controlled breeding, Smoochum was one of the first new baby Pokémon found. The reason why Smoochum wasn't discovered until after this fact is because they are incredibly rare in the wild. This is due to the overprotective nature and the fascinating social strata of the Jynx. Jynx are very self-conscious Pokémon; their appearance is of the utmost importance to them, and this applies doubly for their children. Jynx will rarely let their Smoochum out because these children have not yet learned the rules of their society and would likely embarrass the family with their uneducated behavior. This behavior is seen nowhere else in the world, and its origins are yet to be found. By the time a Smoochum has matured enough to become a true, visible part of its society, it has usually acquired enough experience to evolve. Thus, to see a Smoochum in the wild implies it is very mature for its age, or it has been separated from its parents.

The little baby divas of the Pokémon world, these little-lipped rascals are known to have a kisser twice as sensitive as the standard human. If anyone wonders why Jynx can be so outgoing and open to relationships, look no further than its baby form. A Smoochum will kiss anything with its lips to understand it, to the point of smothering it to death.

While it is an Ice-type, the lips are also the warmest part of Smoochum's body and are the most receptive part to release Smoochum's psychic powers. This baby may have more to reveal to us with how it can extend its psychic powers from its lips to physical movements as a Jynx, but I'm not going near either of these two; they are not the type of women I am into.

Smoochum is a bizarre Pokémon whichever way you look at it—a babymon that would prefer to go around kissing things. This is clearly a trait it picked up off its fully evolved form, Jynx, as it shares the signature move Lovely Kiss. It is theorized that Smoochum remained undiscovered for years as wild Jynx would hide their Eggs in crevasses in order to shield them from predators. The baby Smoochum would then not leave their crevasse until they were fit enough to survive in the wild, whilst their mother brought them food from the world above in the meantime. It is not known how Jynx scale these crevasses, but many scientists believe that Jynx's skirt-like attire becomes charged and the resulting forces give it a gecko effect on the ice. This level of maternal care shown is the reason that many illustrious PokéBreeders recommend that baby Smoochum should not leave the attention of the trainer until they physically mature enough to cope with the stresses of the outside world.

Azurill

The Marill line is the only known species to display a trait otherwise found only in humans: the ability to undergo a sex change. Some researchers have cited this as evidence that Marill are as sentient as humans; these claims are largely unfounded, and furthermore, Azumarill looks far too stupid to possibly be intelligent. There must be an alternate explanation for this phenomenon, and I have devoted many personal resources to being its discoverer. Unfortunately, my research has yielded nothing fruitful on the question, but I did dissect close to 100 Azurill tails in pursuit of an answer. Analysis of the tail determined that its buoyant properties were imparted by a delicate concoction of a variety of hydrocarbons, many of which contained hydroxyl groups. If that stuff goes to their blood, it's no wonder they look so happy all the time...

Azurill has long been neglected by Pokémon Biologists, simply because it seems like such a terribly uninteresting Pokémon. However, Azurill exhibits many phenomena that are unseen anywhere else in the Pokémon world. One such example of this is the ability to change gender on evolution. A theory proposed on the matter is that Azurill is not a fully mature species, meaning that it could possibly still contain all the necessary genetic information to create any type of Marill. This also accounts for its Normal-type status as Azurill; being undeveloped, it does not have the capability to survive the drastic ocean and river currents. These recent theories have led many scientists to believe that Azurill could lead to a huge discovery in stem cell technology, as Azurill's body cells must have some kind of multipotency.

Statistically, it's the weakest baby Pokémon currently known; this was also one of the first babies to be discovered through the Incense method of breeding, and as such it is believed Azurill come into this world with severe physical and mental deficiencies. Some major mysteries are why the Sea Incense is vital to its creation, and why is it that Azurill is a Normal-type despite needing the scent of the sea to even be created? One possible explanation is that Marill are freshwater species but centuries past were sea creatures. Sea water does do mysterious things to both Pokémon and people; there are reasons you are told not to drink it as a child!

Within the tail of the Azurill, there are also nutrients that are required for it to develop. This may be the key for why Azurill can change type upon evolution. Researchers have attempted to extract these nutrients to artificially modify the types of other Pokémon—one was reportedly vying for a Water/Dragon Gyarados—but to no avail, as while Azurill may be two small blobs connected by a thin black cord-like tail, it has a Pure Power ability that should not be underestimated.

Azurill is a Pokémon which has baffled the greatest Pokémon minds of our time. You are all aware of the rare trait Azurill possesses, it being one of the few Pokémon to completely change its typing upon evolution. But what if I told you there was a far odder trait that Azurill possessed. For no apparent reason, one out of every three female Azurill will evolve into MALE Marill. That's right, Azurill has the potential to change its gender as well as its typing. This anomaly has been studied over and over by Professors across the globe, and they've yet to find a reason for why it happens. The leading theory claims that the chemicals that promote its change of typing during evolution may also have an effect on its gender change.

Bonsly

The moving miniature bonsai tree Pokémon was first discovered in Orre by a trainer in Pyrite Town but was later cataloged in Sinnoh as part of the National Dex. Orre was very excited to have a Pokémon tied to their region, but no researcher wanted to brave the desert to confirm that they were a natural species, so it was never to be.

It is unknown why there are not more Bonsly within Orre; it is the ideal environment for their type, but their method of disguise is completely counterproductive to this. There are no plants in the wasteland that is Orre. One possible explanation is that despite the ever-looming fear of being watered in greener environments, Bonsly still require a degree of moisture to enable them to cry. Within the sands of Orre, there is not enough moisture for Bonsly to effectively cry, which would explain why they are not an abundant species there.

Bonsly is the pre-evolution of Sudowoodo, the Imitation Pokémon. Sudowoodo's own discovery was mired by the fiasco surrounding its typing; it appears to be a tree yet it's actually a Rock-type. This comes from its nature as the Imitation Pokémon; it survives in the wild by disguising itself as a Grass-type Pokémon to avoid its natural enemies, Water-type Pokémon. Now while Bonsly too appears to share the appearance of a Grass-type Pokémon, it does not act like one. Sudowood takes its role as a tree very seriously, where Bonsly does not. Bonsly are rarely seen around any real shrubbery, preferring its more natural habitat of caves, deserts, or other mountainous regions. It is a Rock-type Pokémon at heart, and it acts like one. This of course leads to more frequent encounters with Water-type Pokemon which are eager to grow stronger in the wild. They seek out these weak Rock-types in order to grow. Because of this way of life, Bonsly will quickly begin learning to act more and more like Grass-types, and then when it has mastered the move Mimic will evolve into Sudowoodo. It will then leave its natural habitat and make its home in the nearest forest.

Sudowoodo: it's a rock that looks like a tree to disguise itself from potential predators. In all, a clever, but boring, Pokémon. However, a much more interesting query is how its baby, Bonsly, came about. They only hatch when their parents are bred in captivity—obviously, wild Sudowoodo do not run around holding man-made Rock Incenses—but it seems as though their proximity to mankind has affected their natural instinct for camouflage. While Sudowoodo get along just fine in nature as a tree, Bonsly bears an evolutionarily unfortunate resemblance to a potted plant, which is only a useful disguise in Suburbia, where it remains until adulthood. How the incense carries the genetic information needed to change Sudowoodo's shape, and why it reverts upon learning the move Mimic, are not known. What is known is that, though Bonsly are cute, people using them as house pets have contributed to quite the invasive species problem. Far too many evolved Bonsly turned loose refuse to leave their hometowns, instead choosing to simply stand in the middle of the road and block traffic for weeks on end.

Bonsly is one of the most unlikely Pokémon around, as its camouflage seemingly has no positive effect in its natural environment. Bonsly appears to take on the appearance of a potted angiosperm—a flowering plant—yet it is quite clear that potted plants simply do not exist naturally in the wild. This has led scientists to theorize that recently-hatched wild Bonsly actually live in caves underground, rather than sticking out like a sore thumb in the wild. The Bonsly that we see in the wild are actually mature Bonsly that are ready to evolve into the much more powerful Sudowoodo. These Bonsly are powerful enough to deal with most of the threats of their natural environment, so they have clambered from their underground haven in order to seek experience in battle. Through this battling, they can go on to learn the move Mimic, which is necessary for the evolution process. Not much is known about this, but it can be assumed that it has something to do with improving the camouflage of the young Bonsly and thus giving it the means to evolve.

Mantyke

Mantyke is a rather interesting study. Like many other new species discovered after the strange Azurill Incident in Hoenn, Mantyke can only be found if a Mantine is bred with a WaveIncense. Interestingly, however, it seems the only difference between Mantine and its baby is that the former is born with a Remoraid attached to its fin. Thus, when a Mantyke levels up in the presence of a Remoraid, evolution quickly follows. Why does this only occur on level-up? Every expert has their pet theory, but my hypothesis is that they behave like subatomic particles: the energy from leveling up is needed to overcome their mutual repulsion, but once they bond, the released energy is enough to trigger evolution.

The mutualistic relationship that Mantyke and Mantine share with Remoraid is one that has only recently been found by scientists. The bizarrely close bond that these two Pokémon share is cited as the reason why it is exceedingly difficult to actually find wild Mantyke—especially in Kanto, Johto, and Hoenn. Remoraid are attracted to young Mantyke like a Sharpedo is attracted to an open wound and will latch on to the youngster almost immediately. It is suggested that the shared power of these two sea-based Pokémon catalyses the evolution of Mantyke into Mantine, whilst also giving young Remoraid a safe haven from the predators of the deep. It is rare for a Mantyke to reject a Remoraid, but it is theorized that this is the reason it is possible to find some wild Mantyke and that these Mantyke need a trainer to bring these two Pokémon together in their party. Not much is known for sure, but we can be certain that the futures of these two species are strongly linked

Mantyke's evolution into Mantine is as mysterious as the method of its birth as an Egg. To evolve, it requires a trainer to also own a Remoraid. The Mantyke will evolve and receive a Remoraid, but not the same Remoraid that was in the trainer's party. It is always some entirely new wild Remoraid. In an isolated study, it was discovered that this trainer Remoraid pulls a mating call to a wild family of Remoraid to attach to this Mantyke. The reason a trainer's Remoraid will never do this is because it believes it already has a Mantine in its own trainer. Thus, it would have no need to attach to another Mantine; this of course begs the question of what is truly gained in the Mantine-Remoraid relationship.

Mantyke is a baby Pokémon which may have the oddest evolution method in the entire PokeKingdom. It must level up in the presence of a Remoraid owned by the trainer who hatched it. It's so odd because it only evolves when its trainer owns a Remoraid; if a Mantyke interacts with wild Remoraid, evolution does not occur. The only theory as to why this happens is that Mantyke are not creatures found in the wild. For an Egg to carry a Mantyke, the parent Mantine must be holding a Wave Incense. Incenses are peculiar items, but the main point is that they are not found in the wild. It takes a trainer introducing a Wave Incense to provide a Mantyke. Mantine who live in the wild are constantly surrounded by a school of Remoraid so when a natural birth occurs, a Remoraid instinctively goes to the newborn Mantine. It's believed the scent of the Wave Incense masks the scent of the newborn Mantine and no Remoraid goes to it, resulting in the birth of a Remoraid-less Mantyke. This scent lingers on the Mantyke, keeping any potential wild Remoraid away. However, with the affection of a trainer, a caught Remoraid can overcome the scent, ensuring the Mantyke's natural evolution.

Conclusion

That's all for this month in Pokémon Biology; as it turns to summer and exams are over, expect to see us in any local researcher conferences. At the after-parties, there is always more testing on the human side of "making eggs and "discovering new babies", after a few RageCandyBars that is!

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